Not ready for the uneasy feelings

NOTE: The following is a journal entry from a real person. A real survivor. 
Please note potential triggers in this important piece.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, read this.

My story of domestic violence : intending to make others aware of the reality of abuse.

I was determined that Monday September 19, 2016 was going to be a good day..then I got a text and an email and my heart sank to my feet and my lunch came out of my past came flashing before my eyes those few minutes and I realized how fast time really does go by..and I thought; geez we've had way too much going on already and I was no where near ready for this, yet. 

13 years ago I left a marriage that was like a mixture of UFC matches, Drug Wars ( I didn't know this was going on until much later in the marriage), and Criminal Minds that has left me forever traumatized. I honestly believe that's what his intentions were. I didn't leave without the physical scars, the pain of being mentally broken, or without 3 girls that I had when I was so young who had also been scarred from basically burying their father to a life of prison, drugs, alcohol, and abusive behavior toward their mom. 

If you are a woman and have to do any of the following- you are in an abusive relationship, no matter what you think, no matter what you say, now matter who knows and who doesn't know, no matter what. When you realize that, from that point on you are responsible for what you endure , what you decide to allow to go on, and what effects that staying in that mess does to your family, your children, yourself. 

⚠️ I remember hiding them from it all and having to stand there and take whatever was coming thru that door when he walked or broke through the front door being high or drunk or just plain mad. 

⚠️I would have to hide what little money I had to pay bills with cause he would come in and take it in the middle if the night just to take dirty skanks out to get high with him when I was the one who cared and the one who worked two jobs and did anything I had to do in order to put food on the table or care for my kids because he didn't,even if that meant breaking the law myself. 

⚠️There was a night that I was so close to death- I remember as I was gasping for air -I got the strength to fight back- and I did numerous times, but yet there were times after that-his words and actions still controlled me.I don't know why his words did-but they did; 

and that was what I had became used to. 

⚠️ Statements such as these- 

⚠️"Courtney, nobody will ever want you; you have 3 kids, 3 of MY kids," he would say. I never could understand how he could hurt the only one who cared about him THEN. When someone tells you that so many times, you start to believe it.

I eventually divorced and went on with my life; in fear at times in the beginning. I slept with a bat under my bed and a knife under my pillow for years, and with one eye open just cause of the statements he made, " if I can't have you, nobody will." He never, ever said "I want to see my girls, or I want to be a Dad and straighten up." 

Long story short- 

‍‍My family did not raise me to put up with that, I was raised to be sweet, caring, and loving. If my Dad were alive at that time-he wouldn't have been.

I was a young girl who had her whole life ahead of her. I was manipulated by an 18 year old man that "I believed loved me" at the age of 14, and controlled from that point on.

 I should have NEVER been allowed to date him. 

I should have NEVER gave so many chances.

 I should have NEVER trusted the "I won't do it again."

 I NEVER  trusted anyone again period. 

From that experience, I grew cold, mean, and haven't trusted anyone as far as I could throw them. The trauma from that marriage has made me insecure, angry, and bitter. If anyone even tries to grab my hands or acts like they are cornering me the "fight or flight reaction" kicks in and I feel sorry for the one standing in my way cause it's a mission to destroy them until I'm out of the corner and to get passed you. That's why I try to walk off when my space is invaded. 

I have raised girls that are warriors; they don't ever back down from nobody, they speak their mind, and what's on their hearts, the older two have lived daily worrying about their mom when they were little because I didn't gather the courage and kept to myself about what was going on. I didn't want to tell my family, didn't want to hurt them, disappoint them, or burden them. I am thankful my youngest girls has no recollection cause she was so young. These girls are never going to be a victim of anyone in this lifetime. 

Fast forward to today: 

12 of the past 13 years he has been incarcerated. He was released Monday, and I just haven't decided how I feel about it yet, I'm not ready for the uneasy feelings my children will get when they run into him with flashbacks like I have even thinking about this. 

Brian adopted my girls while he was in prison. Brian has and always will be the Dad that loves them, that raises them, that leads them in life. I have a Husband that loves me and would walk across fire for us!! I am forever thankful God spared my life that night I was so close to death...or I wouldn't be here to spend my life with the man I love and the beautiful children we share️️

Last but not least- DO NOT BE THE WOMEN OF SILENCE. I see you at the store, at work, at the ballpark, at the gas station, at my kids school, at the courthouse, at the church in the pew with your heads down afraid to look up, with the bruises on your arms or your legs, the black eyes, the way you are put last, the way you work your butt off while he parties, how he works for just himself and buys what he wants, and you aren't cared for, adored, or cherished, or even loved, the way you carry yourself in a life of violence isn't a secret!! 

IF you are a Mom, Wife, Girlfriend in this type of situation, leave. It doesn't get any better. He is  not sorry and he doesn't love you. You will realize that once you get to experience life outside of that dark hole you are in.

Giving a person like this a second chance is no different than you handing him a second bullet, a second punch, a second kick, a second chance to break you down more and eventually kill you.

I understand people forgive and end up back in the relationship. That's the start of something you will regret. "I stayed for the kids" is a ridiculous excuse for the life of hell you will put them through. 

A lot of people would say "it's the past."

People's past behaviors ultimately create their future. You either end up being who you are told you are by someone else; or you decide to be what you believe you can be in life. 

Don't be a woman after 13 years that has to decide if forgiveness is acceptable. I am one who tries to lead my children to forgive. I have always been burnt when I forgave others so, it prevents me from moving forward. Forgiveness doesn't mean to be friends with, talk to, be around, or forget what has happened; I do believe that if someone wants to be truly forgiven by you, they ask for it. 

My point is: 

Be a better you. Don't let some punk control who you are, or what you will be in life. Don't be another statistic in this world, be a survivor.

Let them live a life of what they deserve by losing you to someone you deserve. You deserve happiness, to be loved, to be cherished, to be wanted.